What not to do around a commissar:
Unless you have a death wish (since you're drafted into the Guard, we already KNOW you have a death wish) these are the things you should avoid doing around your Commissar unless you want to be shot for a number of reasons:
- Do not retreat until he says so.
- Do not look like you will retreat before he says so.
- Do not think about retreating before he says so.
- Do not think about thinking of retreating before he says so.
- Do not retreat even WHEN he says so.
- Do not refuse to retreat when he says so because you will later be shot for insubordination.
- Do not be incompetent in battle, he'll execute you for being useless.
- Do not move too far away from a Commissar attached to your squad, he might think you are retreating without his command.
- Do not fap to the women that are xenos, heretics, or mutants while in the field of battle... or outside.
- Do not fap to human women either, he'll execute you for dereliction of duty. Also, Slaanesh worship.
- Do not fap AT ALL Because it is heresy. No! Fap to the Corpse-Empero- wait, I kinda gave that away, didn't- *BLAM* HERESY!!
- Do not mock anyone in the upper command structure, social status and organizations, it's the same as treason and treason kids is HERESY.
- Do not look at your commissar with a grimdark look, he'll assume you want to kill him. Unless you're a Catachan. He doesn't need to see the look to know you want to kill him.
- Do not interrupt him while speaking, he'll execute you for the insubordination.
- Do not worship the ruinous powers even if your commissar is.
- Do not look like you are worshipping the ruinous powers.
- Do not think about worshipping the ruinous powers.
- Do not think about thinking about worshipping the ruinous powers.
- Do not think AT ALL or he'll think you are thinking about worshipping the ruinous powers.
- Do not find out about the Ruinous Powers. Best you can hope for is being sterilised and mind-wiped.
- Do not fall ill. Nurgle worship.
- Do not fall seriously ill. Serious Nurgle worship.
- Do not think about getting ill. More Nurgle worship.
- Do not think abou- To Hell with this, you are already thinking about getting ill *BLAM*
- Do not openly question his orders.
- Do not question his orders behind his back either.
- Do not suggest your orders are suicidal.
- Do not suggest that said "suicidal" Commissar should join the enemy, if he is able to kill his squad so quickly.
- Do not suggest anything, lest he take it for Heresy.
- Do not mention that the Ministorum Priests are better motivators. *BLAM* Insubordination!
- Do not mention that the sanctioned Psykers scare you more than him. *BLAM* Insubordination again! Actually that's acceptable, the mutant witch must be thoroughly abhorred and constantly monitored for heresy. UNBLAM!
Commissar did I just see you execute a guardsmen and than bring him back to life? Could that perhaps be a bit of chaos sorcery? *Flashes Inquisitorial Seal* I think we need to have a little chat back aboard my ship. Seize this Commissar on suspicion of Heresy!
- Do not mention that he is the most useless unit to have in a command squad. *BLAM* Insubordination again! Why won't you die!?
Oh holy terra you're Unblamming made him a perpetual. Take this guardsman back to the ship as well and tell the captain to prepare for Exterminatus this whole page is corrupted.
- Do NOT interrupt him while attempting to execute someone unless you have a pretty good reason as he'll execute you along with the one about to be executed.
- DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES challenge him or her in a western shootout. Why? Because they'll *BLAM* kill you all in LESS than a splitsecond, now get back to the front, or you'll join him.
- Do not ask a Commissar for a bullet in the head. He will have you flogged for cowardice.
- Do not ask a Commissar for a flogging. He WILL have you shot in the spine for being a Slaaneshi Cultist. Not that that's a bad thing, being a Sla-*BLAM* HERESY!
- Do not, in any way, shape, or form, give a zealous Commissar an Assault Cannon. You will have no unit.
- Do not, under any circumstances, give a zealous Commissar a Deathstrike Missile Launcher. You will have no army.
- Do not give a Commissar a cookie, or he'll think you are trying to poison him. You chaos worshipping freak.
- Do not be bald, then you are a Genestealer.
- Do not be balding, then you are becoming a Genestealer.
- Do not think about balding, then you are thinking about becoming a Genestealer.
- Do not think about thinking about balding, you don't wanna become a Genestealer.
- Do not add to this list, or else he will have you shot for insubordination. He- Yes, Sir!... No, sir... Sir? *BLAM* HERESY
THIS LIST NEEDS MORE CHAOS!*BLAM* HERESY!!!
- Do not use an axe as a last-ditch weapon. Khornate behaviour. Acceptable if having said, "For the Emperor!" and dying soon afterwards for the Imperium.
- Do not eat your rations in a particularly vigorous manner. Khorne worship.
- Any alteration of the standard uniform shall not be tolerated. Tzeentch worship.
- Growing facial hair in the pres*BLAM*. More Tzeentch worship.
- Do not cut yourself while shaving your facial hair. More Khorne worship.
- Surviving a life threatening injury at the hands of the enemy. Serious Tzeentch worship.
- Do not bring prostitutes to the base while your unit is on leave. Slaanesh worship (and just plain improper behavior).
- Waking up lat*BLAM*. Cowardice.
- Do not give a zealous Commissar a spacecraft. You will have lost a planet.
- Do not deface or lose your Imperial Infantrymen's Uplifting Primer. (even though any veteran guardsman will tell you most of pages are complete bullshit)
- Calling your self a member of the "Astra Militarum" *BLAM* HERESY! we are and always have been the Imperial Guard: Hammer of the Emperor!
- Do not Lose your issued Lasgun. Unless it's loss is unavoidable in*BLAM* A proper guardsman would never lose his Lasgun.
- Do not remind him that technically Commissars are outside the chain of command and cannot order you. So next time a fraking com*BLAM*. Cursing Commissars is HERESY!!!
What to do around a Commissar
- Worship the Emperor
- Talk fairly loudly about how the chaos gods suck. (Except for slaanesh who is just bad damn thing dosen't need to suck any more.)
- Make sure all your gear is organized, cleaned, maintained, and free of non-standard issue modifications.
- Do go into rage mo-*BLAM* Getting angry is Khorne worship. (Raging over the filthy xenos is acceptable though.)
- Praise him on a job well done when circumstances are right-*BLAM* Kissing ass is borderline Slaneesh worship.
- Shine his laspistol when he isn't using it.*BLAM*Handling your superior officer's weapons is grand treason!
- Give him a blowjo-*BLAM* SLAANESHI HERETIC!
-Charge towards Khorne Berserkers even if you don't want to.*BLAM* Suicidal charges are borderline Khorne worship. Neglecting to charge however is disobeying orders. So either way you get *BLAM*ed.
- Go to battle even if you're feeling sic-*BLAM* Spreading sickness to your comrades is serious Nurgle worship.
- Compliment his marksmanship skills.*BLAM* WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT KISSING ASS!!? Pff, missed me...
- Let him know in advance when you're having a sick day so he won't execute you for dereliction of du-*BLAM* NURGLE WORSHIPER!
- Have your uplifting primer on your person. Failure to present it on request will result in BLAM.
- Bring him a captive Eldar *BLAM* XENOS LOVING FILTH!! ("I'll be happy to take that captive off your hands commissar.")
- When the rest of your squad looks like they are gonna fall back, step away from the Commissar's general direction as he might choose to execute you to make an example for the rest of the men.
- When the rest of your squad looks like they are gonna fall back, step towards the Commissar's general direction as he might choose to execute you to make an example for the rest of the men.
- When you are about to do something that can only be described as batshit insane and a Commissar's around suggest it to him, if you survive said suicide mission he'll probably favor you a bit, which probably means that he MIGHT actually think about who's he shooting at.
- If you're the guy at the wheel of a transport, DRIVE HIM CLOSER! HE WANTS TO HIT THE ENEMIES OF THE EMPRAH WITH HIS SWORD!
- Prior to giving him wargear, make sure that you haven't cleaned it, most Commissars prefer the bloodstained wargear look. *BLAM* failure to clean blood off of your weapons or uniform is an offence against the Departmento Munitorum policies!
- Make sure you're the only man left in the squad other than the Commissar when retreating, the Commissar rulebook says that if the squad he is attached to only has one man left, he isn't allowed to make his face blow up because he'd end up looking stupid and it's a waste of ammo since there is nobody to inspi *BLAM* Commisar Does what he wants!
- If the Commissar looks pissed read (or at least pretend to read) an Imperial Creed
k or something, he can't shoot you because you're reading Imperial Creed stu-- *BLAM* Now you are no longer reading it. Situation resolved.
- Bring an RPG or other Big Fucking Gun in case he tries to blam you. Make sure you say "you've been bla-*BLAM* HERESY! (pssst! Make sure you say "You've been BLAMMED!" AFTER you kill the Commissar and know there aren't more on the battlefield. WHO'S LAUGHING NOW COMMISSARS!?)*BLAM* HERESY!
- If your Commissar has a bolt pistol make sure there that when he starts *Blaming* that there are 10 people closer to the commissar then you. That way after he's done blaming the rest of your platoon he might think you 'suitable inspired' so as to not blam you. *CLICK* See it works! *BLAM* RELOADING IS ONLY A TEMPORARY INCONVENIENCE TO THE AGENTS OF THE IMPERIUM!
- Instead of DYING, try to acquire the Enemy's head. Minor kudos for a Grunt, Some kudos for an NCO Equivalent, and perhaps at least a bit of respect from the Commissar him/herself for an enemy Commander, or said Commander's Lieutenants. Possible points if you shout out: "DEATH UNTO THE ENEMIES OF MA-..." *BLAM* Borderline Khorne-Worship! (ALL foes of mankind must be cleansed. Punishing such actions is heretical in of itself commissar.) Unblam